Lately I’ve been having really weird body dysphoria about… Like… How I should look as a human…

Like it’s not my usual thing where I’m not a squid or a sentient piece of light and all that, I mean that’s still going on but… Just… There’s a very specific human appearance I have in mind that does not look like me whatsoever.

Basically I want to be either kind of scrawny or a normalish weight, maybe 120-130 lbs, I want… Somewhat notable eyebrows but not the beetle brow shit I’ve got going on now, I want my eyes to be bigger, I want my nose shorter and turned up a little, I want darker hair and enough of it to put up in a bun… I guess kind of a generic tomboy look.

The only reason I mention this right now is that I stopped at the ice cream shop here in town and the girl working the counter was almost EXACTLY the same as the image I have in my head, and I kept looking at her because I was so jealous… And it isn’t even that she was super pretty? I don’t mean that in a bad way, she wasn’t ugly, but she was just… Really normal and kind of plain looking. But still cute. And it just fucking wrecks me because I was never skinny, I was never shaped normally, I never looked normal, and as time’s gone on I’ve just gotten fatter and uglier and balder and I hate myself so much just for how I look. I’m never going to be pretty. I just look sick and obese and mangy and nothing I’ve tried fixes it. The problem isn’t that I need to lose all my weight and get my hair to grow back, the problem is that I need to not be in this body. Everything about it is wrong, the face, the height, the skeletal structure… Nothing fits right. And I’m going to go through my whole life never looking like that while kids who look exactly like that walk around me.