Shadow died today. She was only 8 years old.

She never even got to see the apartments. I thought she’d like sitting on the windowsill.

Shadow had been sick for the past few weeks, sneezing and wheezing from what seemed like a relapse of a sinus infection she’d had earlier in the summer. She developed an eye infection a couple of days ago, and I was going to call the vet tomorrow.

She died at 8:30 p.m. tonight.

I found her in the bathroom in the evening, unable to walk or support herself. When I picked her up, she started screaming in a low, raspy howl. Her mouth started to open and close. I brought her downstairs while I got the phone, but she faded so quickly. She jerked and spasmed on the kitchen floor, and in less than five minutes she was gone.

I am completely numb. I don’t know what to do. I flip between sitting silently in complete detachment and sobbing and crying once I realize that she’s dead and I’m never going to see her again.

I loved her so much and now she’s gone. I feel like it was my fault.