Tag: personal posts

Lately I’ve been having really weird body dysphoria about… Like… How I should look as a human…

Like it’s not my usual thing where I’m not a squid or a sentient piece of light and all that, I mean that’s still going on but… Just… There’s a very specific human appearance I have in mind that does not look like me whatsoever.

Basically I want to be either kind of scrawny or a normalish weight, maybe 120-130 lbs, I want… Somewhat notable eyebrows but not the beetle brow shit I’ve got going on now, I want my eyes to be bigger, I want my nose shorter and turned up a little, I want darker hair and enough of it to put up in a bun… I guess kind of a generic tomboy look.

The only reason I mention this right now is that I stopped at the ice cream shop here in town and the girl working the counter was almost EXACTLY the same as the image I have in my head, and I kept looking at her because I was so jealous… And it isn’t even that she was super pretty? I don’t mean that in a bad way, she wasn’t ugly, but she was just… Really normal and kind of plain looking. But still cute. And it just fucking wrecks me because I was never skinny, I was never shaped normally, I never looked normal, and as time’s gone on I’ve just gotten fatter and uglier and balder and I hate myself so much just for how I look. I’m never going to be pretty. I just look sick and obese and mangy and nothing I’ve tried fixes it. The problem isn’t that I need to lose all my weight and get my hair to grow back, the problem is that I need to not be in this body. Everything about it is wrong, the face, the height, the skeletal structure… Nothing fits right. And I’m going to go through my whole life never looking like that while kids who look exactly like that walk around me.

Truthfully I think the majority of my BYF could be summarized as “I hate gatekeepers”

Most of what I have in each section has to do with people who get pissy about how you’re “supposed” to be trans or queer or ND or kin

Also can I mention how pointless kin gatekeeping is

Most gatekeeping is done with some intent to make the greater community ‘‘look better’‘ to outsiders and it’s like… Why. We’re the fucking otherkin community. People already hate us. The people who think we’re mentally deranged keyboard toddlers aren’t going to stop fucking hating us after you get rid of all the fictionkin people and the people who chose to be kin.

I’m still mad that the Virtual Console release of Red and Blue didn’t give you the GameBoy Color palettes as a screen option because growing up I experienced them in the actual colors of red and blue and now it’s disconcerting as all hell that I’m stuck with either grayscale or neon pickle juice green and nothing else